You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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