I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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