you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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