all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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