I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
