I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
