was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
