My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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