NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
