I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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