if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
