we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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