I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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