Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
