Soap is not a condiment
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
