He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
