We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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