Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
