It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Small penises have feelings too.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
