when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its about making memories worth repressing
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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