I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There's a naked man in my car right now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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