This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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