Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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