What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
