I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
