i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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