do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
