I have demons in me.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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