Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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