so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
