I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
