There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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