four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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