I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
