i permit you to call me
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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