need another drink. this is the easiest way
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
