so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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