I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
