Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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