It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
