I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
