i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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