Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
