The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
