i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
