and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
