I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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