I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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