fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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