the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
