she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
