i was born a porn star she said
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
