I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Randomize
