Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
