He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am one with the molecules
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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