ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
