Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
