Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she looked like the before picture.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
