Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
